Because Kelly suggested the topic!
When I got home yesterday, I was in such a mood. You know the kind of mood. Where you feel fine, where there’s nothing particularly wrong, but where you know your fuse is extra short – where there are mean things in your mouth that want saying even if you don’t actually want to say them. I looked at my husband and our dog (our puppy, really – she’s only 6 months old), and I knew I couldn’t subject them to that sort of thing.
The city of Orlando runs a pottery studio at deep deep discount for their open studio time. I’ve been playing with clay for about two months now and, I have to say, there’s something very therapeutic about sticking your hands in and making a mess.
This is my round about way of getting to the topic of self care.
It’s an accurate term, self care, but it has always sounded a little… I don’t know. A little clinical, maybe. Not there there’s anything wrong with clinical terms but self care, while technically entirely accurate, doesn’t convey the depth and breadth of everything that swirls around the issue, especially for women.
Women are, quite frequently, kind of culturally trained to put the needs of others before their own. So a lot of women fall into the trap of not just putting their own needs on the bottom of the list but, because the reality of time is that there’s only so much of it in a day, not tending to their own needs because other things take precedence.
When we talk about self care, that’s always part of the context for me – this concept that so many people have put it off and put it off until they are in kind of crisis over it. If I don’t watch out, and consciously make myself take care of things, this happens to me. It’s such an easy pattern of benign neglect.
But it’s still neglect.
One of the most common bits of advice re: self care is to treat yourself to something nice. Whether that’s a dress or a double-decaf-latte or whatever. But I want to talk about some nonconsumery options as well because it can be really powerful to separate yourself from the constant grind of our economy but also because that’s where I find the really meaningful actions we can perform.
That’s why I mention the pottery studio (well, actually, that’s the first of three reasons I mention it) – I am learning something new when I go there which is, for me, one of the most powerful things I can do for myself to take care of myself. It gives me perspective. It broadens my world and makes it bigger. Learning new things gives me new skills/knowledge I can apply in other areas. It’s an interesting world – staying connected to it by learning new stuff is a vital part of my self care routine.
I had a job, at one point, where I worked, every day, at least 10 hours. By the time I got home, I was too tired, or so I thought at the time, to be interested in the things around me. It was miserable. I feel like I spent that whole year with my brain turned off. That didn’t help the depression I was dealing with at the time either.
If I’d been paying attention to myself, I’d have figured out a lot sooner what I was missing from my life – where I’d fallen down on taking care of myself. I’d have had to make some changes – because if I don’t put taking caring of myself pretty high up on my list of things to do, it shows.
The second thing that happens for me at the pottery studio is that I get to create something. Generative efforts make us feel something – I could try to articulate it but I’m afraid I’d sound like a cross between a children’s book of fairy tales and a pretentious art student who dates an English major. Here, I will try anyway: when we create something, we’re tapping into a part of human history that has not yet been explored, something that seems magical when we stop to think about it because where does creativity come from? How do we DO that? How do we use our hands to create something new out of the same old materials?
Cooking is, in a lot of ways, like alchemy to me because of this. It’s transformative – physical and chemical reactions changing states and textures and flavors and then at the end of it you’ve got something edible (well, hopefully). That’s an amazing creative process.
I kind of suck at maintaining interest in cooking – it isn’t the creative venture for me, not really. But I can make things out of clay! I’m still learning but I’m making things, useful things, and that is a potent reminder that everyone has this spark in some way. It’s very life affirming, y’all. It nurtures something in us, I think, to spend time being creative – in whatever way counts as creative for you.
The third thing that happens to me at pottery that counts towards self care for me is the very physical act of working the clay. It gives me something outside of myself, something inanimate, on which to concentrate. The clay just sits there. It doesn’t need me to do anything for it. And so I stick my hands in it and focus on what I want to make instead of on all the hundred other things about which I’m usually worrying. It gives my brain a break – a much-needed break; it’s a chance to just turn off the overthinking and focus on something else for a while. When I get back to the thinking – because it isn’t going anywhere – I find I’m usually much more clear-headed and better able to look at whatever is causing me worry. Stepping outside of the problem in order to give myself a rest is a highly effective strategy.
The same thing happens to me when I sew buttons on things. Actually, maybe it’s just a button thing. I made this button table and, I gotta tell you, it got meditative, gluing all those buttons in place.
It’s probably related to an actual technique that involves mindless repetitive tasks. That’s something like vacuuming, where you don’t have to actually pay attention to the thing that you are doing; you can simply zone out. Sometimes our brains just need that break. Let yourself have it.
The recap, thus far! Learning new things, being creative, turning off the overthinky brain. Check, check, check.
I use pottery as my example because I’m kind of obsessed with it at the moment (seriously, don’t even ask me about the coconuts, okay?) but getting this self care fix doesn’t have to involve anything nearly so intensive. It can be taking the time to draw something, it can be fixing a seam on a shirt, it can be learning a new recipe – it can be reading a book in a quiet corner of your living space. Self care is that which nourishes you and makes you feel ready to deal with the world again.
It’s kind of like a blanket, to keep you warm against those winds of requirements, shoulds, woulds, coulds, dids, and did nots.
While those are, for me, the big three components of really taking care of myself, they can manifest in super simple ways, too. Some days I am so overwhelmed – what I really need is to step back from the overstimulus instead of adding to it with new stuff. That’s when I’ll sit in the bathtub with a book I’ve read a hundred time before or a bottle of nail polish so I can paint my nails. Maybe I’ll listen to music but sometimes even that’s too much.
I don’t have kids so that one is a little easier for me. But, if you have someone who can help you, don’t feel like it’s a shameful thing to ask for a little time to yourself. Remember, you need to be on your priority list as well.
Here’s something else I like to do: In the middle of the night, when I can’t sleep, I mentally play dress up. It doesn’t require shopping for new clothes – not even fantasy shopping. This might not work if your closet is one of the things that is giving you grief. But for me it’s an opportunity to envision how things might look when they are paired together,
Other times I mean to play mental dress up and it segues into me sitting around and just enjoying the nighttime quiet of the house.
Self care is, at its best, an intensely personal thing. At the base of it, it’s being as caring and kind to yourself as you would be to someone whom you loved – that so many women put it off so long is a sad illustration of our national disconnect with our own value as human beings.
One must, in practice, set boundaries in order to practice self care. One must reserve something of one’s self for yourself – which we’re told is a selfish act; we’re told that to be selfless is a virtue of the highest order.
But at the end of the day, if you don’t take care of you, no one else will either. Treat yourself with care because that’s how you deserve to be treated. Whether that means blocking out the time to prepare yourself a dinner from fresh ingredients that you prefer or simply commandeering the radio so you can belt out 80s New Wave in the car, it’s important to do SOMETHING that revitalizes you. Self care isn’t just indulgences – it’s making sure your basic needs are covered just as well as anyone else’s needs; it’s making sure you are cared for in the same way you are caring for others.
Self care does not have to participate in our consumer culture. In fact, as much as I’m a fan of a new eyeshadow on a bad day, the most meaningful self care for me doesn’t involve buying anything. It involves making sure I eat three meals a day and get enough sleep and stretch and move and, hell, wash my hair on a regular basis.
Take care of you.
40 Comments
I heartily endorse your non-consumerist approach to self-care. I don’t even read those articles in magazines anymore because “do something nice for yourself” is 99% of the time a euphemism for “buy something nice for yourself”! Whether it be a pedicure, a new scarf, a double latte, whatever.. I appreciated reading about your alternative to retail therapy.
One of these days I hope you’ll post a pic of those coconuts!
I will totally post a picture at some point. *laugh* They are so ridiculous – it’s one of those things that I’m like, seriously, Marianne? Seriously? I try to be on-topic here and not subject y’all to my crafty urges except where it is appropriate but maybe I’ll throw in, like, a bonus picture under a cut or something. I’ve made three at this point! They totally qualify as a lovely bunch.
Retail therapy is all well and good and I don’t think there’s anything necessarily WRONG with it but getting away from the idea that our stuff is what defines us is a pretty big deal.
Interestingly (or not), I will often go shopping — but I don’t have to buy anything. I like going for the walk, people- and clothes-watching.
“One of the most common bits of advice re: self care is to treat yourself to something nice. Whether that’s a dress or a double-decaf-latte or whatever.
I’m glad you spent this post on non-consumer ways to self-care, because when shopping is at the center of my self-care I’ve noticed I get considerably less out of it than I do if I, for example, take the time to go for a swim. Sure, buying things can bring a nice rush, but it doesn’t give me a break, it doesn’t recharge my batteries. Anyways, nice post. Take care of you too!
It’s an interesting balancing act to get right. We need to be able to buy ourselves that which we need (or want) without feeling undeserving – but not as a way to prop up our flagging energy or self-esteem.
Anyone who says fat/self acceptance is giving up and lazy has no idea what they’re talking about. *laugh*
Swimming is so wonderful.
Button table-LOVE.
Also, as a social worker myself, we were beaten over the head in grad school with the idea of self-care. For me, it’s just taking the time to do pretty much nothing. Zone out in front of the tv, pet the dog, and doing my nails is also intensely therapeutic; I end up doing them about twice a week!
Thanks! I found the table at a yard sale and then went to town on it.
I think the small things – petting the dog, painting the nails – are such a huge deal because they are kind of preventative. When I’m doing that stuff on a regular basis, I’m just in a better place, mentally, to deal with stress and/or anxiety.
That’s interesting that it’s such a fundamental part of the social work curriculum – though it makes perfect sense!
Thank you for your post today, it is timely for me since I am in a snarly mood. My self care usually involves being alone for a while in silence. There is often tea. Going over a karate kata helps too. The moves flow, the brain stops thinking, the hands and feet know where to go, and it helps wear me out for sleeping later.
I really need to keep learning new stuff. Knitting, spinning yarn from fleece, and creative writing are my big learning areas. Though chocolate and a new lip balm are always nice!
Spinning! I have been thinking about yarn I spun ages ago that I need to ply together, actually.
The sound of a spinning wheel is such great white noise.
Ali, another knitter/spinner here. Keeps me sane. I have to say I’m loving this year’s Tour De Fleece-I think it’s my most productive ever.
Sometimes I zone out looking through my photos on flickr or on the computer. Sometimes I pull something trashy up on OnDemand and spin or knit with Hoarders or American Pickers or Obsessed on TV.
It’s always been important for me to take care of myself. What I really wish is that I could shut off the little voices in my head telling me I don’t deserve it until I do XY and Z.
Oh, and, I also adore and love the button table. How I wish I had space for something that awesome.
Yes, the urge to create is so fundamental!
It’s taken me years to get over feeling (the bad kind of) self-indulgent when I craft. Needlepoint fills the role for me that pottery is filling for you right now. I’ve finally accepted the idea that its okay to make useless beautiful things without apology.
I had a job, at one point, where I worked, every day, at least 10 hours. By the time I got home, I was too tired, or so I thought at the time, to be interested in the things around me.
Yep, I totally did that too – and it was in the non-profit sector where “self-care” was bandied about on a daily basis. I just kept telling myself that I “wasn’t a quitter” and ignored the fact that, even when I had free time, I couldn’t even focus enough to watch television.
Pottery is awesome. I could be up til 2 or 3 in the morning doing pottery in college, and it was the only activity where I didn’t get annoyed if I screwed up. My best friend and I would stand with our hands up in victory if we turned a particularly tall, light, gorgeous looking pot into warped clay mush.
Speaking of crafty urges, I’ve been keeping my eye out for a good project and that button table is just screaming awesomeness at me. How’d you do it?
Yeah, self-care somehow sounds like, “Remove bandages twice a day and apply antiseptic to any exudant.”
…ewww.
I am not very good at this.
I am really, really not very good at this.
I used to bribe myself with small shopping trips– five dollars to buy a magnet at a particular store in the mall near my office– and even then I knew that the magnet wasn’t so much the point as the walk was. Coffee trips are not about coffee but walking and then having ten minutes to sit and drink my latte and not be working. I got a little crazy a while ago and had the usual epiphany: “I usually walk at least three miles at least three times a week. I have not been doing that for more than a month. WALKIES NOW.”
I also like having a physical object to show for my efforts. It’s not just making it, it’s having that sign of progress. Housework isn’t an accomplishment most of the time but a staving-off of inevitable filth, returning things to the way they should be. Physical things, while completely necessary, don’t hit the same part of my brain. But sewing something? Something I can hold up and say, “I made this!” and look at later? That matters a lot.
Also a knitter and a spinner. Making things (even yet another pair of ribbed socks) really helps me deal with the annoying, repetitive, non-productive aspects of my customer service job.
It’s great to settle down with a DVD or some instant Netflix and my current project. I have found that when I really invest in it by buying quality needles and the yarn I really want for the project I enjoy it so much more.
Starting last winter I decided it was time for me to buy work clothes that I really liked and were good quality, so shopping was part of my self care for a while. I was newly single and really enjoyed the act of spending a lot of money on myself (which I couldn’t do while I was supporting my ex). Now that I have enough work clothes I’m having to shift that thinking so that I won’t be cluttering my life/closet with things I don’t need or won’t use.
This flexibility… the idea that my needs will change and what is a good tactic now might not function for me in the future… is one of the hardest aspects of self care for me to master.
The years I spent emotionally and financially supporting my ex left me in a headspace where I am totally prepared to make myself a priority and not feel bad about it at all, but I still have some logistics to figure out.
I always thought “self care” sounded like a euphemism for jilling off, but I guess I’m kind of filthy.
Well, I suggested the topic and lady you did NOT disappoint!
Funny as today before I read this I wrote about how restorative my kids are for me, far more than others may realize. I mean yes they involve a lot of care and work but I’ve been doing this long enough I no longer feel beleaguered, trapped, or overworked (I’m a homeschooling mama too so they’re always around!). I totally respect the mamas/carers who need “me time” but time with my family is Me Time. It took a while for me to get to that place but … it’s just such a wonderful experience.
And of course I do like time alone. I sew and cook and these are wonderfully restorative as well… especially when I’m alone and doing so. Tonight I’m going to simmer up slow-cooked spaghetti and meatballs for a dinner gathering tomorrow. Something about cooking in a clean and calm kitchen while the kids read, or maybe they’re outside playing or off hiking with their dad. And then tomorrow I put the enameled pot of homecooked goodness in the oven and my friends arrive to a clean house and fragrant dinner just for them. And maybe some reading this think I’m missing the point of self-care but for me other-care feeds me.
One caveat, cooking and sewing also border on Necessary Work (we do need to eat and be clothed) and sometimes I get it all tangled up and then sometimes these passions lose a bit of the full self-care service station function. The best sewing I do is those which are “unnecessary” projects like my son’s Max costume or the narwhal baby bunting or a little Dickensian coat underlined and tailored. Things that didn’t exist until I plucked them out of midair and crafted them. Things that can’t be “justified” as being cheap or practical, things that take time for me to make.
Of course a homeschooling family with a single income means that whole, “buy yourself something nice” is a little less accessible than it otherwise might be. I love buying something nice or self-carey (not a real word!) but I’m kind of irritated that it seems that is the most lipservice applied to women and their need to self-care. Buy this or that. The one time I picked up Oprah’s special Body Acceptance magazine I found $90 anti-age cream and a $500 “problem area camouflage” swimsuit. What a twisted aggregate message of “self care” we women get exposed to.
Thank you so much for this post!
Do you have pics of the narwhal baby bunting? Because I think I’m in love just from the name of the project.
NARWHAL! (more pictures of design, construction, detail here.
So awesome. Thanks for sharing!
I’m really curious as to how this works… I’ve always thought of children as draining. :/ I’m almost thinking it’s a sort of feedback loop with you and your kids – you genuinely love them, and they love you back, and then you love them more, etc.
Do you think you were pretty good at self-care before you had them? I just think this is excellent (I read the post you linked to) and I wish more parents were like you.
I’m also just incredibly curious, because of my own mindset and trying to comprehend something so foreign to me (yet cool). 
Yes, yes, and YES! THIS!
Every time a magazine or talk show discusses self care, it’s all about spending huge sums of money on stuff that their sponsors sell.
For me, self care may involve buying stuff, sure. In fact I’m feeling mighty great today that my new cake pans arrived on my porch this afternoon. I’ve also been known to lift my spirits with a latte or a new book or a bottle of nail polish.
But the best times are spent creating. As good as those cake pans feel now, they’ll feel a million times better when I bake my first cake in them. The books give me more of a thrill when I read them than when I buy them.
Best of all is when I pull out my pillow, wind up my bobbins, and start making lace. It’s an entirely zen procedure that results in something exquisitely beautiful.
Oh, and I have to say I’m deeply and profoundly in love with the button table. How gorgeous is that? What’s more, I want to see cocoanuts, woman! They sound awesome.
Creative writing used to be my self-care ritual, but now I’m at the point where the idea of trying to do it makes me want to rip out my eyeballs. And it’s somewhat traumatizing to feel this way, because writing used to be my one fail-safe, not only the one thing that I could do to relax, but the one thing that I actually had confidence in myself in.
I don’t comment very often, mainly due to my own insecurity, but this post is very, very timely. You have a knack for that!
there are mean things in your mouth that want saying even if you don’t actually want to say them
Such a great way of stating it. I was in this mood yesterday, too.
For me, what helped today was being with a good friend (Alisha) – but I do know that I need more time to learn and create and just be. Summer has been tough for that. Thanks for the very timely reminder.
This is why I knit. It can be whatever I need it to be at the time – medititative, time out, creative, stimulating, distracting, whatever. The Yarn Harlot, who used to be a Doula, compares it to what breastfeeding is for infants – food, comfort, warmth, everything.
My mother friend refers to self-care as ‘putting the oxygen mask on first’. You know how they always tell you to do that on planes. Well, she says she can’t help her kids be happy and sane if she’s going slowly insane herself. Even beyond what kind of an atmosphere that creates in the present day, what kind of modelling is that for your kids? (Not that I am trying to accuse or judge!) She says it’s important for her to tell her daughter, with and without words, that when she grows up she, too, deserves things that make her sane and happy.
That’s the same reason I knit, too.
It’s games for me. Animal Crossing on my Wii, Plants vs Zombies on the iPad, or about a dozen others on the iPhone. If I do that for an hour at least, it just kind of resets the brain a wee bit.
Long walks, doing my nails, baking, crocheting, reading, rearranging. And/or just listening to myself, and following that lead, because I’m full of changes.
[I have a domino table. It was awesome fun to make, too.]
I like convincing other people that they need a novelty cake making for them, then I get to chill out and make the most flamboyant bad taste cake ever seen. People cry in panic when they see them and bewildered children hide in their mother’s skirts. Relaxing though.
thank you for this. i’ve never practiced self-care. no one ever taught me this was important. my therapist is helping me learn how to do this and it is more difficult than i expected. thank you for your thoughtful post. it really helped me know which direction to head in when thinking about taking care of me.
I would love a link to the pottery studio that you frequent. I haven’t thrown clay in quite some time but I’d really like to start again.
Here you go, Caitlin!
This is so dead-on. I know that after my husband died, the one thing that kept me AT ALL in my body, rather than just floating away in grief was, oddly enough, playing Rock Band. I always play drums, and the beat, along with just watching the little lights and singing along with the music, took me out of impossible pain and at least into a tiny, tiny place of bodily connection.
Dancing, too. Drumming. I am a massive fan of the book/music from “Sweat Your Prayers,” though I’m agnostic at best – it’s the idea of meditation through active, active movement. It turns off my super-cerebral self and brings me back into flesh.
Great post.
I forgot about the button table! Oh, how fabulous it is! Oh how I would love to have closet doors — yes, CLOSET DOORS — covered with buttons in that fashion!
I don’t know why, just . . . how cool would THAT be?!
Self care is so important, and if you’re the kind of person for whom spending can be a problem, i.e. manic phases for some bipolar folks, etc., it can be really great to focus on non-acquisitive means of self-care.
My brain is one that requires a great deal of downtime, so I spend a lot of time not doing much. It’s been very hard for me to accept that I am this way, because I feel both stupid and lazy because of it.
One of the things I like most is to just put music on and close my eyes and make up music videos in my head. I wish I could record some of them because they are wicked cool.
I had to enroll just to remark to this. Long-time lurker here.
I have had the last six months from hell in which I had developed moderate depression and moderate sleep apnea. I was also in a job which was technically 8 hours/day but which would consume all my free time in the evenings and weekends (teaching). I kind of neglected my self-care.
I discovered a new bead store today, and I restrained my shopping (because I’m unemployed now), but beads! Shiny, beautiful beads! I nearly squeed from the fantabulousness. There’s a sort of zone I can get into when creating jewelry that makes me feel like nothing else.
I totally get you on the pottery–it’s the gooey squishyness, right? I totally loved playing with dirt/fingerpaint/sand when I taught little kids.
Have you ever posted a tutorial on the table? Like anywhere? I have all these buttons I inherited from a great-grandmother, and besides making jewelry with them, I need some other use.
Sorry for the novel.
Excuse me while I go bead.
Forgot to add, I would totally be up for you posting craft posts from time to time.
I hope this isn’t too off topic, and if it is I’m sorry. I was just pondering the following: what exactly is wrong with eating to cheer yourself up or to relax? People shop to relax, they go to the movies to cheer up, they play video games to take their minds off things, so what is wrong with me being up late at night working on a philosophy paper and deciding that I want to take a break by running out for a McD’s vanilla ice cream cone or a Wendy’s twisted cookie dough frosty? Why are the other listed activities considered acceptable ways of dealing with stress, but getting a sweet treat is not?
I think it’s fine. Sometimes if you really want to treat yourself to ice cream, just do it! I think the only time it’s iffy is if you do it in a way that is not taking-care-of-yourself, like you eat so much you feel sick. But I think you’re right. I think some anti-fat dialogue focuses on how “bad” it is to use food to comfort yourself. I’m still struggling with, well if focusing on too much thing makes you addicted to it, what should you focus on? (To help yourself feel better.) The tentative answer I have now is that it’s about balance. As long as you’re not focusing too much on any one thing, whether it be food, video games, or walking, you’re more likely to not engage in those habits to the point where it becomes self-destructive instead of self-caring.
I agree wholeheartedly with this post!
Myself, I was fortunate enough to have been raised by a Mother/Grandmother who believed I was the greatest thing to come down the proverbial pike ever. Even more fortunate to have them succeed in making me believe that as well. As such, they were the only people I have ever felt worth valuing above myself.
The last year of my mother’s life, I completely neglected myself. Now, I don’t mean I skipped an occasional shower, laundry day or pedicure. I mean, I did so much damage to myself that I wound up doing two weeks in the ICU with a life-threatening complication to a disease I’ve had since childhood, two weeks after my mother passed. That was the biggest wake-up call ever.
I had gone back to practicing my passion, singing (mainly opera), about a year before my mother took ill, and have since gone professional. That time I spent practicing my art where I was *forced* to concentrate on myself was the biggest factor in my physical and emotional recovery. It helped me to remember myself, and not regret never looking back.
There are still times when I want to slack off because I’m too tired, or just not in the mood. That’s where my obsession with music comes in. I’m no longer just taking care of myself, I’m maintaining my instrument.
I even make it a point to take what I have dubbed “Diva Days” a once or twice a month. I ditch the hubby, leave the cats to fend for themselves, grab a trashy magazine (Cosmo, usually; it takes itself the most seriously!), some iced coffee and treat myself to a mani/pedi or hair dye refreshment. It doesn’t matter what, just as long as I am by myself for 30 minutes, and hour, or whatever. I can think my thoughts, plan out my life, or just exist for a while in my favorite space, my room.
Rest assured, fellow UberFraus, the world will still be there when you are done. It’s good to let others depend on themselves for a few minutes; yourself included. In fact, I have found that as I continue to be stronger in myself, I deal with things better, am less stressed out generally, and all my relationships are better.
tl;dr: I’m a staunch believer in the idea that if you don’t take care of yourself, you won’t be in any condition to take care of anyone else.
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