I spent most of my afternoon on the verge of tears. I don’t cry easy, but it’s been a long day. A heavy day. A weary day. I posted “Incoherent” in my personal livejournal and, though I totally expected it, it lit the drama fuse. Things actually went down pretty smoothly, but I found myself with a deep inability to engage with people, to provide the sort of fire that usually comes so easily to me.
When I got to my car, I did cry. A coworker complained to my department manager that my clothes aren’t office appropriate. Said one of my outfits was too colorful.
So I got to do the little sit down with the department head who was – because I have to give her credit – actually as awesome as possible about the whole thing. She was pretty dismissive of the “too colorful” complaint but did note that my top was a little low-cut. I would take this more seriously if I hadn’t worn this dress to work a dozen times in the past three or four months.
I don’t mind her saying something. I mind that some anonymous coworker is bothered enough by my clothes to try to get me in trouble. I mind that someone has it out for me. I feel trapped by clothes right now.
Because if I wear the schlumpy pants and a polo uniform, I look like I don’t care about myself. I don’t look polished. And I wind up hating getting dressed in the morning and I wind up hating my empty, soulless job. But if I wear the nice clothes – not even the clothes that truly are in-appropriate for the office but just the clothes that fit well and look pulled-together, well, then I look TOO nice.
I’m never going to look just right, no matter what I do, in the eyes of a lot of people, one of my coworkers included, apparently.
I forgot that for a little while.
My department head did actually say, and this cracked me up, that because I am well-endowed I have to be more careful than people who aren’t. She, for example, has never had to worry about this. And here she placed her hand on her own rather flat chest.
So, my coworkers can continue to wear whatever the hell they want, regardless of neckline. But now I’m supposed to be careful because I’m well-endowed.
*sigh*
Between that and having to justify my eating (or lack thereof) habits to a couple of people who seem to believe that people are only fat because they eat too much….
Anger is a really powerful tool for us to use right now. But let’s also remember, in the face of everything that deserves our outrage right now, let’s also remember to be kind to ourselves.
In the interest of that, I’m going to bed. Tomorrow? Is another day.
20 Comments
Hey lady.
Fuck that noise. Your clothes are too colourful for what you do? Like, huh?
Okay, your department manager was “nice” about it. But I, for one, and feel free to flame me if my ire is misplaced, I cannot believe she would give the co-worker the time of day with an idiotic complaint like that.
As long as you’re covered to the same extent everyone else is, and your clothes do not have inappropriate slogans, who cares_ what you wear? What business is it of anyone’s to be made uncomfortable by your clothing? Does your clothing wander into their space and make snide comments about their hairstyles? Does your clothing whistle at them as they walk past? Does your clothing not give them a seat in the cafeteria?
What employees wear (within the bounds of decency, safety, and cleanliness) should not be a subject of comment in a civilized, non-uniform workplace, especially when one isn’t working with a public that expects people to wear suits or something.
Fuck that noise.
And a big comforting hug, if that would be any help at all.
P.S. Come work for me! I’m all for people wearing awesome clothes.
In the wake of such a day you give excellent advice. And I will try to take it. One day at a time.
*BIG HUGS*
You know if you’re fat you’re supposed to wear dark colors: black is best. And not expose your flesh too much. Something long and flowing is perfect, so nobody can really see your body shape.
Come to think of it, ideally we should really wear burkas.
Second round of hugs from here. I hate to see someone that inspires me so much feel disccouraged. But you’re so allowed.
Oh honey.
I had a client complain to my supervisor once about my “freakish” appearance and “black lipstick” (let it be noted that I have worn black lipstic MAYBE twice EVER, and certainly never to work.)
I fought back tears, took a deep breath, looked him in the eye, and said “boss, you can be sure of one thing: I will always be the best-dressed person in this office. I am always clean, always neat, always modest, and I always match. And that is more than I can say for my short-skirt, cargo-shorts, t-shirt-wearing colleagues, the counselors, the teachers, the therapists, and the administrators. I may be unconventional-looking, but I’d like to see you try to write that into the employee handbook. If the client wants a new therapist because she thinks I dress funny, she is welcome to request one and I will gladly take on someone else’s case, but rest assured that I think she dresses funny too.”
I was lucky in that he was a pretty decent guy.
But I think your point, that you have worn the dress often before without a problem, is a good one. My inclination would be to manipulate the superior into a mindset where we’re theoretically a team, problem-solivng together. As in “you know, I’ve worn this dress before without a problem. I’m concerned that the complaint might actually represent something else that’s going on with the person who complained, that they’re not as comfortable talking about, because it doesn’t make a lot of sense. Do you have any idea what it might be? Is there any way I can be of help in figuring it out? It concerns me for that person, if there’s some kind of unresolved problem, and if I’m a part of it somehow, of course I’d want to know what it was so I could handle things on my end accordingly!”
and so forth.
And inside I would cry and scream and rage, and sob quietly into my purse in the bathroom, which is of course what I did when I had that stupid meeting with my supervisor. (happy ending note: he convinced Miss Priss Suburbia to try me out a while longer, and she wound up LOVING me and convinced I had SAVED HER CHILD and I still have the little figurine she gave me when the family terminated treatment.)
Anyway… that fucking SUCKS and I’m really sorry it happened. And if you need even LOUDER things to wear, things that are very, very modest, I will gladly mail you loaners. I own a LOT of orange.
I’m with Elusis re turning the argument around so that it’s not your problem. Unless you’re wearing a neckline split to the crotch and a visble shocking pink leopardskin push-up bra, I fail to see what the hell you’re supposed to do about the assets God gave you aside from go under the knife. Maybe someone’s jealous or really really bored because, frankly, when I’m working, I don’t have time or inclination to sit around taking umbrage at other people’s clothing choices.
Personally I’d be tempted to find out who it was and lob a couple of ground-up laxatives into their morning coffee. But, hey, what do I know?
I think Elusis and BP are on to something… this says a whole lot more about the complainer than it does about you. Apparently this person is uncomfortable with looking at your “ample bosom”. Perhaps it’s jealousy, or perhaps the lust and wantonness that are experienced by this person upon seeing said ‘ample bosom’ makes them uneasy. Either way, instead of dealing with their own issue, they’ve decided to turn it on to you; make it YOUR problem. You simply do not dress the right way. It’s hogwash, obviously. I’d go right ahead and wear the dress again but i’d do so with an obvious t shirt or tank top underneath. to the point where it looks ridiculous. Of course it’s childish and petty to do something passive-aggressive like this, but sometimes it feels really good. And yes, i’ll admit that even at 32 years old, i’m not above wearing a “FUCK YOU” outfit.
How pissy is it that someone can make an “anonymous” complaint and you don’t have the right to redress?! That makes me so furious (gives you big, protective hug). It’s no secret that women use the whole “inappropriate dress” complaint as much of a weapon as gossip and other office nastiness. Please don’t stop wearing bold, beautiful colors, or let your overall joie de vrie be altered by that twatwaffle.
Oh, darling.
I’m sorry that you are going through this.
I just want to say: I think you’re wonderful. Hope today is better.
xo.
I’ve always found that overdressing is a way to kill the problem of workwear for good. Co-workers and boss can’t complain that you look too nice (if they do, I’d look for a new job), and looking nicer than the creeps who dare to complain is bound to make you feel good. Not to mention that when the job starts to feel soul-sucking, any little thing like looking nice really boosts the mood. LB has lots of suit separates on clearance right now!
Sounds like your coworker read the modesty survey at the Rebelution! Don’t you know that women with large breasts are inherently more sin-laden than flat-chested women?
I think Elusis has a great idea upthread. But it also might be worth pointing out to your supervisor that if other women in the office (like her) can wear the same level of v-neck or what have you without being called in for a talk, then in effect she is saying that your *body* is inappropriate, not your clothes. Not everyone is ready for that argument, but it seems patently true.
Also my mind is still boggling at “too colorful.”
I had some clothing issues at work a few years back.
The supervisor at the time was spelling out what would be appropriate for the new, office casual work attire. I am a big fat woman of 250 lbs and I make no apology for it. I am who I am. I own my body and my fat. I take care of it. And it pisses many around me off.
Anyhow, the supervisor was talking about capri pants and how they would be just fine for someone who was petite (and blonde- maybe a size 4)motioning to a co-worker, but not for someone like me. I called her on her shit. I pointed out that I never like to wear freakin pants in the heat of summer- she’d likely be seeing me as one of the better dressed employees 95% of the time. I pointed out how unfair it was to allow certain articles of clothes for only a few people who fit into her personal idea of who looked good in it. WHy the freakin hell is she taking the policy out on some but not others?!? I went directly to HR and called her out further. She had to take back her words and advise that rules apply to everyone the same- and she was nearly choking on her words at our staff meeting when she said it.
Of course I got branded as some sort of big fat dykey feminist– but I will not back down. Five years later, I am still here and that wanker of a supervisor is long gone. Seems she was too busy yanking peoples chains on dumb stuff like this to, you know, actually accomplish things she was hired for. And over time, I have come to be known as the fatshionista that I am! (Who needed fugly capris anyhow!?)
Hey, I just sent you an e-mail, so I’ll restrict myself to adding more imaginary hugs here. You rock.
This seems like egregious and out-of-character victimhood for you. Is this “soulless” job seriously corporate or something?? Is there an actual written dress code?
…if other women in the office (like her) can wear the same level of v-neck or what have you without being called in for a talk, then in effect she is saying that your *body* is inappropriate, not your clothes
Got it in one.
Maizey, I’m not sure where you are getting the “soulless” thing from. I certainly didn’t use the term. As for victimhood, yeah, I was feeling a little sorry for myself – because the situation isn’t fair and there isn’t really a whole lot I can do about it at this point. Yes, I work in a corporate environment in a surprisingly cutthroat industry, though I don’t interact with any clients or customers myself. The dress code is written down but is rather vague and open to the interpretation of various department managers. I’ve watched my thin, blonde coworkers wear a variety of things and I usually take my cue from them – though my own clothes tend to be either black or a very bright color and I favor interesting shoes. That’s the part that gets me, you see. I have a coworker who went through the effort of emailing or calling our department head who is actually more than our department head (but our new department head doesn’t start until next week) since her most recent promotion to complain that I dress funny. Too colorful? What sort of complaint is that? I don’t think I’m casting myself as a victim so much as acknowledging that, yes, I have been slighted and it sucks and now I have to deal with it somehow.
Is it possible that your complaining coworker read your blog post about colors fat people “should” and “shouldn’t” wear?!
The timing just seems uncanny …
And while I can understand complaints about baring too much cleavage, the one about being “too colorful” is just silly. It’s as if they have a problem with you being a “loud” fat woman instead of a shrinking violet.
Abigail nailed it. And someone is jealous.
And DO wear black. With blood red lipstick. Impeccably tailored. Makes you look fabulous, and intimidating as hell.
Then they should think twice before trying that whiny crap again.
This is so interesting…a friend of mine has recently gone through the same situation. She is well-endowed, and has been called on the carpet for wearing things too low cut. It’s not that they’re low cut, it’s that they are on fantastic tits! I wear the same things she does (literally – her handmedowns!) and have never had a problem (but then again, I’m not quite as fabulous in thad department. Fabulous, but not AS fabulous!).
The real issue at the heart of her problem (and it was with her skinny, flat supervisor, not a co-worker) is that my friend is proud of her body, and wears things that look good on her and FIT. She likes color, and almost never wears black, as a good little non-compliant skinny girl should. She takes pride in an “inappropriate” body, and was counseled to start wearing things that are larger and don’t look good on her (turtlenecks on the well-endowed, anyone? Not on that girl! And button down shirts? Does the entire work place WANT to see her bra? They don’t know, but they surely will then!)
Rant completed. Let me just say that every body is beautiful, and as long as you are happy in it, that’s all that matters.
I had a similar thing happen to me. I got called down for my neckline. Other people wear their neckline a lot lower than I ever have, but mine is somehow inappropriate?
Admitedly, I do tend to look like a porn star even in t-shirts and jeans. But we have a girl in the office that wears her jeans so low in the back you can see her rising sun tattoo across her backside. When she bends over, I swear I can see the crack of dawn.
I ended up throwing a jacket over all my outfits and that seems to have cured it. Its not fair, but I have to make a living regardless of if it is fair.