I think there must be, somewhere, a very bored copywriter for a wire service who sits around and says to zirself, “Gee, I wonder what shit I can make up about fat people today…”
That’s the only explanation for articles like this one:
RIP Mittens? Obesity May Threaten Mitten Industry
…
…
Really?
The theory is that, get this, fat people have higher body temperatures. This statement is not mitigated by any weasel words – apparently ALL fat people all the time everywhere have higher body temperatures. I feel like a freak of nature now because my body temp actually runs on the very cool side.
Maybe the mitten industry is threatened because mittens just aren’t cool anymore.
I mean, *I* love mittens. But I’m not a particularly cool person (despite my body temp and tendency to be freezing in most situations). And if I wore mittens, I’d probably knit them myself. Maybe the mitten industry ought to be blaming handknitters, actually – there are some seriously kick-ass mitten patterns available, I tell you what.
Sure, this article is meant to get you to go buy mittens. But let’s look at what that says – blaming things on obesity, blaming fat, is now such a common marketing strategy that it is being used to sell MITTENS.
Mittens, y’all.
I’d be pissed off but I can’t stop laughing. Because this is ludicrous.
Mittens, y’all.
All I can think of is the Three Little Kittens nursery rhyme:
Three little kittens they lost their mittens, and they began to cry,
“Oh mother dear, we sadly fear that we have lost our mittens.”
“What! Lost your mittens, you naughty kittens!
Then you shall have no pie.”
“Meeow, meeow, meeow, now we shall have no pie.”
The three little kittens they found their mittens,
And they began to cry,
“Oh mother dear, see here, see here
For we have found our mittens.”
“Put on your mittens, you silly kittens
And you shall have some pie”
“Meeow, meeow, meeow,
Now let us have some pie.”
The three little kittens put on their mittens
And soon ate up the pie,
“Oh mother dear, we greatly fear
That we have soiled our mittens.”
“What! soiled you mittens, you naughty kittens!”
Then they began to cry, “Meeow, meeow, meeow”
Then they began to sigh.
The three little kittens they washed their mittens
And hung them out to dry,
“Oh mother dear, do you not hear
That we have washed our mittens.”
“What! washed your mittens, you are good kittens.”
But I smell a rat close by,
“Meeow, meeow, meeow” we smell a rat close by…
52 Comments
Really? We’re a threat to “Big Mitten??”
*headdesk*
I suppose my cold hands are just a figment of my imagination?
Fortunately, I threw off the Shackles of Big Mitten a few years ago and took up knitting. Now I make my own hand and foot warmth!
So maybe it should actually be “Hand-Knitters Ruin America!” – what do you think?
*laugh*
I really love the idea of “Big Mitten.”
Speaking of Big Mitten, Jan Brett wrote a fabulous book about that called, The Mitten in which (gasp!) a piece of clothing stretches to fit animals of varying sizes and shapes, and the mitten’s designer (a grandmother, natch) doesn’t complain that those fat animals are impossible to fit.
Seriously, between this and Barbie’s ankles and that 99 percentile baby? I’m ready to give up on humanity and hibernate. Maybe when I come out again, teh fat hatred will have run its course.
I am totally adding a bunch of mitten patterns to my ravelry queue JUST BECAUSE of this article. I WILL TAKE YOU DOWN, BIG MITTEN!!!
I’m freezing. All the time it seems. I’m always cold.
My mom, at 160 pounds to my 250, is always hot.
To say that fat people all “run hot” is ridiculous.
And who, over the age of 10, wears mittens?
It’s 90-some-odd degrees in Orlando and I’m wearing tights. So, I hear you.
And, I admit, I DO wear mittens, but like I said, I am hardly a style icon. *grin*
Dude, I LOVE mittens. They’re way warmer than gloves, and standing on an el platform two blocks from Lake Michigan in a Chicago winter…that means something.
I’m 175 lbs. and 5′ 5″ (fat) and I am ALWAYS cold!
But… DEAR GOD WON’T SOMEONE THINK OF THE MITTTTEEENNNS!!!
Thanks for the VERY humorous post!
Idiots. I can’t stand mittens and haven’t been able to for years, no matter what I weigh. They’re too cumbersome and impractical except on the very coldest of days. If it’s cold enough for mittens, then you need a pair of gloves in your pocket to switch into so that you can drive, handle your phone, use your car keys, manipulate a purse, get out change for the bus, etc. etc. etc. Gloves rock!
I have short little fingers so gloves always fit me funny. I need to just knit my own.
Man, maybe I should knit a pair of mittens. I’m fat and my hands are always cold. I prefer fingerless gloves myself, which I also knitted.
Fingerless gloves are ruining America!
*gigglefit*
I love fingerless gloves.
I have fingerless gloves that convert into mittens. Yep, they’re awesome.
I’m trying to think of some clever way to mash that with “Every time you masturbate, God kills…” but it’s not happening, partly because my brain is too full of “Seriously? SERIOUSLY??”
That and the “baby too fat to be covered by health insurance” story is making me want to do terrible things to whoever I can get a hold of…
Everytime you wear mittens, god kills a kitten?
I have no idea. MY BRAIN IS DOING THE SAME THING.
I mean, SERIOUSLY?
Everytime you masturbate, God kills a mitten?
But for serious. I thought the argument was going to be along the lines of “traditional mittens don’t fit fat hands”. But this is just right up there in terms of craziness with Christian Louboutin saying Barbie’s ankles are too fat.
How about… global warming threatens Big Mitten (hee. I do love the mental image I have of Big Mitten)? Wait – fat people have previously been blamed for global warming. Obviously, everything’s our fault. AIIIEEEE.
and, my body temperature -is- probably higher than the norm, but amazingly enough, it sometimes gets cold in some environments that I wear gloves -anyway.- Gloves, not mittens, because mittens are naff, and I thought so even when I was young and lithe (for about 15 minutes)
Fatties run hot? I must have been reading books and snarfing baby donuts when the gods passed that charcteristic around, because I, at 5′2″ inches and 183lbs (BMI=31), am always effing cold! Especially in the fall and winter, when my damn titties have their high-beams on all day and night.
Hot and sweaty? I think NOT!
God, I’d comment, but I just can’t stop giggling.
“The shackles of Big Mitten” cracks me up! LOL!
But wait, hypothyroidism causes weight gain and low body temps!
I thought the real threat to Big Mitten was people who need to effectively make use of their hands and fingers.
Can we please not have a “well I’m not a hot sweaty fat person!” festival though? I have had hear intolerance since I was average sized but now that I am fat I get treated like a disgusting, unsightly affront to womanhood for it.
If it helps I’m a hot sweaty fat person who would wear mittens more often if she didn’t have to fumble for a bus pass in the winter.
Everyone at the office is complaining of the cold. Guess what? I’m wearing a sweater over my shirt and slacks, and considering getting out my coat.
(Oh, and TR – link isn’t working
This is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. Seriously. I’m glad to see that the comments are relatively sane on this one with minimal “oh, but it’s unhealthy to be overweight!”
Oh, and I’m constantly cold, too, even with a BMI right around 30. Huh.
I, too, am a knitter and fat. I’m having a Snidely Whiplash moment, rubbing my hands together smugly in the knowledge that I’m helping to bring down the Mitten Industry on two fronts. But curses! They’re onto us…
::eyeroll:: Seriously. Is there a panel of marketing consultants who sit around trying to think up what to blame on obesity next?
I’m getting such a great visual for Big Mitten. I’d draw it but I haven’t got a scanner.
Yep, like quite a lot of folk here, I suffer with lousy circulation and, no matter how warmly I dress, once winter kicks in, I suffer with icy hands and feet. Also I’d just like to ask what about those skinny people with brown fat cells? (I don’t exactly know what they are but apparently, those afflicted are like walking ovens). My late stepfather was one – skinny as a rake – and my mum said sleeping in the same bed was like lying next to a radiator on full blast.
Also, I have silly little hands and far prefer fingerless gloves.
Ok, I DO run hot, but only since I hit my mid-40s and my hormones started going haywire. I carry summer with me everywhere I go. But there are times in midwinter here in Southwest PA that even I, Fatty McHotflash, need to wear mittens to keep my hands warm at the bus stop.
However I do knit my own. So maybe it’s handknitters after all, in which case it’s still my fault.
I hated mittens at 140lb. I hate them at 230lb. I doubt that gaining 90lb made me hate them more.
Sure, it always comes back to pie…
I did tend to run warm, but that had to do with my age more than my weight. Menopausal women are ruining the mitten industry, I say! Now that that, um, business is behind me I wear fingerless gloves in the house, for Pete’s sake. Of course I knit them myself, so I’m no help at all…
See, once again I’m a bad fattie, I’m always cold! My normal body temperature is actually 96.4, not the 98.6 that is the real ‘normal’.
I live in Australia and I have never seen a mitten in my life other than on tv on American people.
AUSTRALIA RUINS MITTEN INDUSTRY.
Queenslander. You may have the best-named bridge after one of the best ever bands, but Melbourne’s got the mittens.
Seriously? My fingers are usually like icicles the second fall hits, I must be a freak of nature too.
Hilarious! Weirdly enough, I do have a higher body temperature and deal badly with heat…but that’s because I’m taking thyroid medication. When I was hypothyroid, I was fatter, but much, much colder.
There’s a mitten INDUSTRY?! Seriously?
Blame it on the iPods! I quit wearing gloves (mittens are for grandmas!) because I can’t manipulate my iPod with them in. I’ll take being able to switch songs at will over warm fingers any day!
I can’t believe they’re blaming this on fat instead of mittens being really easy to knit, and also a PITA to do anything that involves fingers (e.g. dialing a cell phone, which even kids do now). Do they actually set out to find the most clue-repellent journalists possible these days?
I have an awesome pattern for a combo mitten-glove thing… it’s a fingerless glove with a mitten “flap” that you can pull over your fingers (a separate one for the thumb). It’s the best of both worlds. The warmth of a mitten, but instant access to bare fingers for dialing and song switching. If I can find an online version, I’ll link it and put another nail in the coffin of Big Mitten.
It’s too hilarious to even get offended.
Don’t other fat people get Raynaud’s disease/syndrome? That’s what you probably have when your extremities get cold at the slightest provocation.
I HATE fingerless gloves. Fingers are the part of my hand that get the coldest!
For those who want the warmth of mittens without losing dexterity, there are mitten/glove combinations. The mitten part has a zipper that you can open to expose your gloved fingers.
If Big Mitten really feels that threatened, why don’t they make some extra-thick or double-layer mittens in larger hand sizes? With long cuffs like some gloves have. Etc., etc…
Don’t extremities lose body heat quicker than other parts of the body? Isn’t that why mittens and the like were invented in the first place? Shouldn’t the mitten industry (oh god, the “mitten industry”) know this?
I mean, as much as I, a 300 pound man, love the cold, when it nips at my fingertips, I reach for the gloves. This is brainless.
I don’t remember where, but I know I heard that extra weight does not confer extra body heat. Fat is not a particularly good insulator. In fact, people who are overweight tend to feel the cold than people of average weight.
Not only am I overweight, but I have the wrist hurt disease (carpal tunnel syndrome) and other connective tissue problems, including, I think, Raynaud’s syndrome, which means my fingers feel the cold a lot. Phooey on them.
Let’s see, fat people have higher body temps? Oh dear, I better make a doctors appointment ASAP as my normal body temp is around 96-97F and my hands are always ice cold, even in the summer time. Same with feet. So obviously I must have something very bad happening.
GACK!
What an idiotic article. I had low body temps when I was younger and thinner, I still have low body temps. I actually LOVE my hot flashes as then I am actually warm for a change.
I don’t wear mittens because I don’t like them, I prefer gloves, even tho my fingers don’t stay as warm in them, at least I can do things in gloves I can do with mittens. Never liked them, never will.
If they want to sell mittens, I say they should bring back those mittens that changed color when you went from a warm environment to a cold environment. Not just for kids, but for adults too. Seriously, those were awesome!
This kind of crud is so discouraging – not to mention so obviously not accurate. Just from the comments here, there are several of us to tend toward the cold side.
Snidely Whiplash! Great, now I have William Conrad’s voice in my head telling us all to “tune in for next week’s episode — Unraveling Big Mitten, or Can’t Buy Me Glove!”
Although actually, Big Mitten sounds a little more Super Chicken than Bullwinkle, come to think of it.
I bought a lovely pair of mittens the other day, cuz where I live, it gets cold enough in October! Mittens are definitely not in danger of obsolescence.
Hey! Glad to see you back. Missed you! (and btw I don’t ever wear gloves OR mittens and I live in FL where it’s, like, never cold anyway.) I read this and was all like, “mittens? What are those?”
I want to get paid to write stupid, fictional stuff about the fashion industry. And get it published in “legitimate” media forums. LOLz Because lemme tell ya, I’d be rolling in it. And it wouldn’t even have to be fiction. :-/
I just recently found out that anxiety can cause symptoms similar to hot flashes. Thus:
ANXIETY RUINS MITTEN INDUSTRY
Also, when I lived in Siberia, I had the fingerless gloves with the mitten flaps. So great, unless it was -30, and then when I pulled open the mittens to get my key and open the apartment building door, my fingers froze and I couldn’t move them. D’oh! Now I live in SoCal. Bliss . . .
How about this:
SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA MUFFLES MITTEN INDUSTRY
I get hot pretty easily. I get hot as a 265-pound woman. I got equally hot as a scrawny 8-year-old. I was always sweltering in my school uniform. And I didn’t even hit overweight until my mid-teens.
Even so, I own several pairs of gloves and at least one pair of mittens, cause winter evenings are winter evenings. Even if I wore them more often, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t buy new pairs significantly more often. I mean, how quickly am I supposed to go through mittens, fer chrissakes?
Hey, I’m 250lbs and my body temperature hovers around 95. I’d better not lose any weight or I’ll die of hypothermia.
Anyway, they’re just blaming us to avoid blaming global warming…
Okay….seriously?!
Aside from that, I am 5′6″ and 220lbs – a 35.5 BMI.
In college(3 yrs ago), I did an experiment on my own, to see how body temperature fluctuated during the day. This was partly due to a question of mine…why have I always been so cold?!
I took my body temp when I woke up, and every 4 hours thereafter, and once just before I went to bed. (5 or six times; I can’t remember). So, what was my average body temperature on a normal day? 97.2
Fatties run hot, huh? Dummies….
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