I asked on Twitter recently (Tweet @TheRotund if you have an idea or just want to say hi) what topics people might want to see. Fat sex came up, of course, and I’m working on it. But so did this:
Limbo period between embarking on FA & truly believing oneself is beautiful & worthy of self-love. Still not getting that part.
That right there is pretty much the biggest damn hurdle in all of fat acceptance, I think. Like, I used to think it was making the decision to work on your self-acceptance, fat-acceptance, body-acceptance. But once you make that choice?
You have to keep making that choice every single day. Or nearly every day. Or as often as you possibly can until it is a habit. You have to fail and then start again at it. Well, you don’t HAVE to fail. It isn’t a rule. I’m sure there is, somewhere, a person who hated their body and then woke up one day and just… stopped because it didn’t make a whole lot of sense to keep on doing it.
The truth is, there is a lot of fake-it-until-you-make-it in FA, at least in my experience. I had to feel really awful and still treat myself well – not because I genuinely believed I deserved it but because I was committed to treating myself well as a course of action independent of how I felt about myself – because I finally got that, hey, this is good for me and I DO deserve it.
In fact, feeling like I deserved it…. Frankly, I still struggle with that one sometimes. Do I deserve to have a book that I coauthored on the shelves without sending submissions to faceless agents for years and paying my metaphoric dues? Do I deserve a kick-ass husband who loves me just how I am? Do I deserve to wear the ridiculous fripperies that I consider fatshion?
But you know, lately, I’ve been thinking:
Fuck deserving it.
And I know the original comment isn’t exactly equating a feeling of self-worth with the idea of deserving it but stay with me for a minute here.
One of the most iconic advertising slogans is “I’m worth it.” Well, hell, yeah, you are. We all are. But that honestly doesn’t mean we’re going to get it because the world doesn’t work like that.
Questions of what we’re worth, what we deserve…. They seem oddly religious in foundation to me. Or going back to the old reward system. You can only love yourself if you deserve it.
I could name you some names (though I won’t) of people that I find personally reprehensible who might very well just totally love themselves. Being a douchebag doesn’t always spring from self-hate, after all. Sometimes people are just douchebags.
No, the world isn’t fair and we have to deal with that – my best choices in that regard are when I am being proactive about my boundaries and actively working for what I want, regardless of whether or not I deserve it.
Y’all, I could angst about that one FOREVER, especially because I have a couple dozen friends who are excellent writers without representation. But also because there are millions of people in the world who are BETTER than me.
The difference is that, honestly, what I DESERVE isn’t going to determine what I go after in this world. Not when it comes to happiness or work or clothes that look awesome.
Especially not in that last case – because then it’s often dependent on what OTHER people think you deserve and that rarely goes well.
So, here’s my advice for the limbo period: Put aside the question of whether or not you feel like you are worthy of self-love. Stop thinking about it as much as possible. You don’t have to have come to any conclusions, you just have to table the matter. And then treat yourself the way you would if you already loved yourself. Treat yourself well. And kindly. And treat other people the same way. And it will sink in.
It might take a hell of a long time for some people. But even if it never really does, what’s the worst that you have to show for it? Healthy and enforced/enforceable boundaries (which can often lead to being treated better by other people), and a backlog of good things you have done and choices you have made for yourself.
Limbo sucks. Let’s spend as little time there as possible.
This entry was posted in Body Image
. Bookmark the permalink
. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post
or leave a trackback: Trackback URL