I was thinking about my history of friendships with males. As a general rule, to a certain extent, and other such qualifiers, I think I still get along with more men than women.
Which is funny given that my closest and dearest friends are women but still.
And I finally identified why I think this is true:
The men I’ve hung out with – from older family members to the dudes I chilled with before class in high school – don’t apologize for existing.
There are a million reasons why my male friends, particularly in high school, were not model citizens. And their lack of apology had nothing to do with self-confidence and everything to do with male privilege. But the effect it had on me was to kind of innoculate me against the need to constantly belittle myself.
Not that I didn’t engage in that – especially internally. But the dudes I have hung out with have not had any interest in talking about why any one of us was too something or another or not whatever else enough. They DID things. They were proactive. And some of that rubbed off on me. No, you know, literally – it’s a METAPHOR. Anyway.
As an adult with an ever decreasing tolerance for crap, I find myself almost physically incapable of listening to or reading the constant apologies from women at large. Apologies for having a certain style or not having a certain style. Apologies for having an opinion. Apologies for not having an interest in something or for being interested in something else. Apologies for being anything other than the perfect expression of what their audience thinks a woman like them should be.
It makes me incredibly angry. Not at them. Not usually at them. But at the convergence of societal forces which has produced this habit of apology as a verbal device to ease social situations. It doesn’t ease anything for me when friends apologize for everything. It doesn’t ease anything for me when my supervisor apologizes for giving me feedback on my work (she seriously has to have worked with most sensitive writers ever).
Apologies like that just make me uncomfortable. They presume an offense that doesn’t exist. And they put me, when the apologies are specifically given to me, in the position of passing judgment. I don’t want to do that. That’s the opposite of my business. I am not the arbiter of anything, dammit.
But if I don’t give the expected response, a blessing on style choice, a guideline for action, something, anything, then I’m the bad guy. Because I’m judging people for wanting to play by the rules. *headdesk*
Just…. I’m not sorry. I’m not sorry for dressing funny, laughing loudly, encouraging people make their own choices and reason things out for themselves. I do not apologize for taking up space, for being angry at retailers who don’t carry my size, for thinking stores that reject me don’t deserve my money.
I am sorry when I hurt someone. When I offend someone. When I unthinkingly perpetuate a broken system. I am sorry when my actions and choices make life harder for other people.
But I will not apologize for existing. And I don’t think anyone else should feel like they have to either.
17 Comments
I generally use “Don’t worry about it!” as a response. It’s got enough of an apology-accepted vibe to satisfy the apologizer, without really affirming the idea that an apology was needed.
A-freaking-men, TR!
We are not automatically broken by reason of being here. We do not need to apologize for loving/hating any particular fashion, music, food, hobby, or TV show. We do not need to apologize for our height, weight, eye and hair color, or the amount of melanin in our skin. We do not need to apologize for being devout or for being atheistic. We do not need to apologize for the careers we enter or the people we find sexually attractive or for preferring dogs or cats or hedgehogs as pets. We do not need to apologize for being chronically ill or extremely healthy. We do not need to apologize for being blind, deaf, or for needing a wheelchair to get around.
We just need to be. Why oh why is that such a difficult concept?
Try living in the UK, particularly my bit of it. ‘Apologetic’ is the default setting for all English folks, male or female.
I’m going through a rough time right now, feeling like I’m not doing enough for anyone.
I needed this. Thankyou. You don’t know me, but you’ve made my life ten times easier today.
This post is right on. I had to address this with my teen-aged neighbor that I am giving rides to/from school while her mother recuperates from surgery. The girl apolgized for: getting in the car, getting out of the car, being early, being late, putting a large bag of craft supplies in the trunk. I finally snapped (a little) and told her that I thought she was using “sorry” where she should be using “thank you” most of the time.
Agreed. I’m not sorry for existing either, and I’m not about to apologise for it. And like you, I generally get along better with men even though some of my dearest friends of all time have been women. I HATE working in mostly female environments, because the accepted communication style drives me nuts. My straightforwardness gets me in trouble in those environments.
The odd thing is that part of the reason women constantly apologise for not being whatever enough, or for being too much of whatever, is that they think men expect them to, right? Except in my experience that’s not true at all for most men. Most decent guys seem to find the whole apologetic woman thing distinctly uncomfortable, and the ones who do expect it…well, why would you want to talk to them anyway?
I generally say, as firmly as possible, “You have nothing to apologize for.”
And I will keep repeating it until the person stops apologizing.
JupiterPluvius, that’s what I tell Mr. Twistie all the time! He’s a one-man apology machine. I keep hoping that one day I’ll manage to convince him that he doesn’t need to apologize for things outside his control (no, really, dear, you didn’t force the car to need all those expensive repairs this month, so you don’t need to apologize for doing that) or things that aren’t upsetting me at all (no, really, dear, while I think it’s sweet that you still bring me flowers, you don’t need to apologize for not having money for roses when the car needed a grand in repairs this month), or for things other people did (no, really, dear, you don’t need to apologize for the fact that when I locked myself out of the house, my brother wore his earphones ALL FREAKING DAY LONG AND DIDN’T NOTICE ME RINGING THE DOORBELL FOR TEN MINTUES OR MORE AT A TIME FOR SIX !$#%$#^#^$#^#Q% HOURS). If you didn’t do it, or didn’t do it on purpose, I don’t want an apology.
BTW, I’m not apologizing for the above rant. It’s on topic and felt good.
I don’t know, buffbuff, I think it’s not so much apologetic as passive aggression. I know when I’m trying to negotiate Kings Cross station in the rush hour, I might say ’sorry’ to every idiot who bumps into me, but what I actually mean is ‘Yeah, you should apologise to me for not looking where you’re bleeding well going!’ I think that some little clues in how I say it makes them get the idea
I love the not apologising concept so much I want a T shirt.
I TAKE UP SPACE. I AM NOT SORRY. DEAL WITH IT.
That would be cool.
Oh, dude. I am like the unnecessary apology QUEEN. People bump into me, or want to get around me, and I practically jump out of their way and tell them how sorry I am for being there. Instinctively.
In my generation, at least, that’s what girls were taught to do. Always always always say you’re sorry. Seventy times seven. And for me, it was magnified by about 100 — not just because there were incredibly critical people in my family who would rip you to shreds over practically nothing, but also being aspie and not realizing that that’s why I was “fucking up,” not because I was too lazy or stubborn to try harder. I’m sorry I wore the wrong brand of sneaker. I’m sorry I didn’t catch the ball. I’m sorry the store was out of pizza goldfish crackers. I’m sorry my hair sticks up. I’m sorry I didn’t know the secret goddamn hand signal everyone else seems to know. I’m sorry I didn’t study enough to make it worth your while for you to cheat off my paper. I’m sorry I have this album you are stark sure is crap even though you’ve never even heard it. Fuck. So much apologizing. Thinking I’d be hated, just hated, if I didn’t.
It didn’t help. Someone who is hellbent on hating you or ripping you to shreds will find a reason.
It really did come down to, “I’m sorry I exist. All I manage to do is harm people. Nobody fucks up as much as I do, absolutely nobody.” And what did I ever do that was so terrible, really? I remember doing my first 12-step inventory and reading it to my sponsor, and she said, “Okay, that’s not an inventory. That’s a list of reasons you think you suck. And I never want to hear any of them again.” She was right. “Defects of character” have to do with things like lying, cheating, stealing, deliberately breaking shit, raging at people over nothing, recklessly endangering other people, that kind of stuff. I hadn’t done any of that. And yet, I kept meeting all kinds of people who had, who felt a lot better about themselves than I did. Programming. It’s a bear to get over.
Haha! Dolcina, when people barge into me, I generally say, “OW!” or, “Thanks!” these days. (But then I’m in training to become one of those old ladies who yells at random strangers in the street).
This is so fantastic. I resolve, as of today, to STOP apologizing as a means of preempting criticism. It’s not even REAL criticism that I’m trying to deflect . . . most of it, I’m sure, is imagined. A projection of the insecurity that I feel about not being hip enough, stylish enough, hot enough, or capable enough. If I apologize, or call attention to these things, or if I joke about them, then I can (or somewhere deep down, I THINK I can) replace my imagined “deficiencies” with an “I don’t care” attitude. But if I really don’t care . . . why do I bring it up at all? I love what you’ve said here about being PROACTIVE. DOING, rather than thinking, analyzing, discussing, and apologizing. What a counter-productive waste of time.
I do that too, a lot. I’m trying to work on not apologizing for things I do that I have no reason to apologize for.
I do wish there was a better way to distinguish between “sympathy” and “apology.” If something is totally not my fault, I may still be sorry it happened because, well, it sucks for you, and I’m sorry to hear that. (”I’m sorry you had a bad day,” “I’m sorry the commute was miserable,” etc.)
OH.
You know how every once in a great while, you read something, and it’s like a revelation, like an actual bolt from the blue and all of a sudden the world makes sense?
Yes that.
THANK YOU.
Living in Canada would annoy the hell out of you. Surry. Surry. Surry. For everything. I do it now too. And it’s totally passive aggressive. (Maybe I’ll start using “Excuse you!” for people who run into me instead)
I just returned from living in India where saying sorry (at least in the region where I was living) is not common. Its not rude within the cultural context. I definitley benefited from this cultural shock! It was so nice to feel relieved of not having to apologize for my existance which is what all these ’sorry’s’ (for accidentlly bumping into someone in a crowded street, for forgetting a grocery bag, for not getting change out quickly enough, for every little thing…just in case). It was very refreshing and now that I am back in the UK I notice this apologizing for everything habit. I do think its more about being proactively defensive (don’t be angry with me even if I was in the right) – or stating that you are submissive and not a threat rather than being truly sorry about something.
“I am sorry when I hurt someone. When I offend someone. When I unthinkingly perpetuate a broken system. I am sorry when my actions and choices make life harder for other people.”
Speaking as a chronic over-apologizer, I feel like everything I do falls under this category. If I have an opinion, it’s offending someone. If I don’t agree about everything, it’s making life harder for others. Honestly, from my point of view, when I apologize I am ABSOLUTELY apologizing for the things you listed in that quote. I’m not simply apologizing for having thoughts different from the other person, I’m apologizing for making their life that much more difficult by not agreeing with them.
I know that’s a bit of a warped perspective, but it’s how I’ve felt for years now. I don’t quite know how to fix it…but it really doesn’t feel like I’m apologizing for the wrong things. It feels like the sorts of things you’re supposed to apologize for. How do you get out of feeling that way?