I have a coworker. We’ll call him… Edgar, just because I like that name.
Edgar makes, at every opportunity, disparaging remarks about his body, pats his belly, then leans back in his chair and chuckles to himself while the rest of us look around, uncomfortable.
Friday, Edgar and I were the only two people at work and so, when the topic came up, I said to him:
Edgar, you know, you’d probably feel better if you weren’t constantly bashing your own body.
Oh, no, he says, he’s totally comfortable.
No, Edgar, says I, I mean you take every opportunity to say something negative about yourself and it isn’t comfortable for us and I can’t believe it’s comfortable for you.
The topic got changed. A little later, though, he said I’d given him some food for thought that was probably true.
And today? Not a word, not a single negative word about his body. It makes it 900 times easier to be around him.
Now, it was not comfortable to speak up. In fact, it was totally awful. I hate speaking up in work situations.
But it paid off amazingly. I’m not expecting Edgar to never make another self-hating remark ever again (I’m a realist despite my optimism) but it has already made a difference in our working relationship – a difference for the better. If it helps him feel better about himself, then that is even better!
What’s the point of all of this? The point is that if you are in an uncomfortable situation because someone keeps slamming their own worth, it can be worthwhile to speak up.
When you speak up, you aren’t making a needless scene or causing an unnecessary ruckus. You’re protecting your positive working environment.
As women, especially, we’re often taught to put the needs and comforts of other people before our own. I suggest that we reclaim a little of our own comfort, especially when that means closing off a source of body-hating messages.
9 Comments
This post totally gave me the warm fuzzies! Thank you for speaking up. It’s encouraged me to do the same. I work in a pretty laidback environment where all of the younger women, fat and nonfat alike, are *constantly* downing their bodies. It makes me sad
High fives for being opinionated!
When I was in college, I had a habit of starting all my emails to my best friend with the phrase, “I know this is boring, but…” or “another intolerably dull missive…”
After a while, she told me to knock it off–she wasn’t bored by anything but that annoying, negative habit. I never said anything to her about it, but I stopped, and it did get me to think about how I present myself to the world (and to myself).
I am very grateful that she said something about it.
Go you! I think you did exactly the right thing. Interesting that, (for once), it was a guy dissing his body. I wonder how common that is because, whereas I’ve come across guys who agonise about their bodies to close friends in private, I’ve never met one who constantly beats up on himself in public.
I did that to a guy I work with last week. Friday. He was talking about how he hates the cologne he’s wearing but he’d rather smell like icky cologne than smell “like ass”. I asked him wtf? He said well, I AM a big guy, and I don’t want to smell bad.
(his cologne, by the way, smells like raid and gives me a headache)
I said, so, you’re willing to put yourself down, put me down by proxy because I’m a big woman and fat makes you stink then I guess I stink too, huh? He kinda looked at me funny and made some remark about always going for a joke about himself, and I flat out told him it isn’t funny.
I asked him, do you wash yourself regularly? He replied that indeed, bathing is a favored pastime. I asked him if application of deodorant or anti-perspirant is something he regularly applies, he replied in the affirmative.
I then asked him if he just thought that in general, fat people stink and don’t KNOW that they stink. He said no, he didn’t think that.
Several light bulbs came on across his face during this conversation and I have to say it was very, very gratifying even though it was frustrating and difficult to start.
He even said he should know better, because he’s a very out gay man and has battled internalized homophobia all his life. I told him it’s now time to start on the internalized fat hatred and that when he insulted himself by invoking a mean fat joke, he was also insulting me, and several other people in our office that he likes and respects.
I get that uncomfortable silence all of the time when I make fun of my own body. Except that I’m making fun of it because I LIKE it and can laugh about my own “flaws”. Too bad everyone else views my size as something I of COURSE feel terrible about.
Smashing activism, TR, and you too, buttercup!
Congrats to you and Edgar!
Props to you for saying something! I hope it gets him started on some self-improvement. Or at least some self love.
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[...] December 9, 2008 — ilyka I’m sorry to be trite about it, but for me personally, it’s the little changes: Friday, Edgar and I were the only two people at work and so, when the topic came up, I said to [...]