I’ve been meaning to respond to this excellent post from Naturally Curvy for quite a while now. I’m sorry it has taken me this long, Cree!
The constant fight – both internally to overcome the messages we internalize about how bad it is to be fat and externally with people who hate fatties – gets tiring. There is absolutely no way of getting around that. A lot of people who find FA talk about how much easier it was, how much happier they were, before they started trying to accept themselves.
That’s a sad commentary on our world, isn’t it? It’s easier to hate yourself in silence than it is to come to a place of self-acceptance. Wow.
But it’s also true. Because, while I do believe we are making progress, that progress is not so much with the swift and all-encompassing. I think people run into this with any social justice movement. You get fired up, you work for change, but eventually you get a bit worn down.
In a siege situation, the people BEING besieged almost always have the advantage. All they have to do is wait it out. As long as the walls hold, they are protected. Given the strategic positioning of most fortresses, especially, they’ve even got the entrenched high ground.
Right now, in our culture, fat hate is kind of like that fortress. It’s been accepted – it’s GOOD for us to hate fatties, don’t you know. Otherwise they might get the idea that they are people, too, and start demanding that they be treated with some dignity and, maybe, they should be able to buy clothes like normal people as well. Hating us for our own good is an entrenched medical ideal.
Fortunately, FA has started to construct siege engines and towers and we’ve started using explosives to breach the walls. But, you know, it’s still a battle and it’s still damn tiring.
This is okay.
In fact, if we didn’t have bad days, days when we wanted to throw up our hands and just go on one last diet because maybe this one will really work for real this time and we won’t have to deal with all of this horse shit – well, if we didn’t have those days I’m not sure we’d be any use to other people who are feeling the same things, the same fatigue, the same urge to throw in the towel.
It’s important to acknowledge that we have these days, all of us. If I were Queen of Fat Acceptance, I would issue permission slips so that every time someone felt like this and then felt guilty about it, they could whip out their permission slip as a reminder that it happens.
Dear World,
The fat person known as ______________, here after known as Awesome Fatty (or Awesome Fat Ally), is hereby given permission to have a day filled with self-doubt. This day may include contemplation about starting a new diet, thinking about how much weigh loss surgery would help, and sighing over how many more fashion options there would be if only Awesome Fatty were thin.
Permission for Awesome Fatty (or Awesome Fat Ally) to actually make any life-altering decisions, however, is hereby REFUSED.
Signed,
The Rotund
When I have bad days, days when I am simply overwhelmed, it really helps to engage my brain. Because I KNOW I’m having an emotional response to the way the world works, the way it treats me, and the way it treats other people around me. I can still feel like crap while knowing that I’m not being logical. And I can keep myself from making any big decisions. I am never going to rush the The Rotund in the middle of a bad day (or bad couple of days) and announce that everything I’ve ever stood for must be *handtoforehead* a lie! Because, you know, it isn’t a lie.
I had that story in the Guardian’s Comment Is Free and, after having tons of people yell at me about thermodynamics, I became really hyper conscious of my food. I went out that night and had some steak and two martinis AND desert and all I could hear in my head was the commenters crowing about how I obviously had no sense of control and I must do this way more often than I am admitting and blah blah blah Ginger.
When, in reality, there were a ton of people in a very packed restaurant and they all magically had different body types. There were fat people eating fish tacos and thin people eating giant slices of chocolate cake. There were middle of the road people eating things I couldn’t identify. They were, most of them, also eating stuffed mushrooms because this place makes AMAZING stuffed mushrooms.
And, watching them eat, there was no way to tell how they eat outside of that environment. Hell, you certainly couldn’t look at my meal and tell that I rarely (and by rarely I mean generally I only have a drink or two once every three months or so) drink.
I had to deal with the cognitive dissonance of that voice versus my lived reality for several days. I sat down to have a breakfast with my husband this morning and still heard the lingering traces of it.
So, yeah, bad days happen and we have to have strategies to deal with them so they don’t pull us down. Giving ourselves permission, as indicated above, to have those days in the first place is a hugely important thing. Realizing that they won’t last forever is also important. Not wallowing, as much as is possible, is also also important. *grin*
Here are 3 things you can do, if you feel a bad day coming on or are in the middle of one:
1. Skip reading the comments on mainstream blogs that deal with body issues in any way. That means no Comment is Free, no Salon (or Broadsheet), or any other newspaper with a comments section. Read the articles, by all means. But if you can’t skip the comment section, you might want to skip the articles as well. You don’t need a bunch of hateful strangers to put an external voice on the internal struggle you are dealing with.
2. Read FA material. I don’t just mean my blog *grin* though feel absolutely free to come here and ask for support. Read everything you can find on the Fatosphere feed. Hang on in comments and talk to other people going through all sorts of different situations. Check out the Outfit of the Day posts on the Fatshionista livejournal community and check out all the amazing people who put together awesome outfits in all different types of styles. This will have the bonus impact of reminding you that their bodies are normal and *gasp* so is yours!
3. Treat yourself well. Don’t skip a meal, don’t wear clothes that you hate. Don’t deny yourself something you’d ordinarily allow yourself out of some misguided instinct to punish yourself. Do whatever helps you relax and feel good about yourself – I like to buy bath melts from Lush and sit in the tub with a romance novel for an hour or two (and I don’t spare the hot water when the bath starts to get a little tepid). Do something active to help take your mind out of itself and back into your body.
You’ll feel ready to rejoin the fight a lot sooner than you think, I’ll bet.
22 Comments
A lot of people who find FA talk about how much easier it was, how much happier they were, before they started trying to accept themselves…It’s easier to hate yourself in silence than it is to come to a place of self-acceptance.
This articulates something really important to me. I have just finished reading Debra Gimlin’s “Body Work” where she analyses four sites of body work: a beauty parlor, an aerobics class, a plastic surgery office, and NAAFA meetings. While she made great arguments for “resistance” for women in the first three groups, she was really hard on the women in NAAFA, saying they weren’t any more over fat than anyone else. In part, I think what disappointed her about NAAFA was that she expected them to be completely liberated and the “heroes of her book”…and who can live up to that?
But this quote articulates another part of it, I think. Hating yourself in silence is a somewhat passive endeavor, whereas accepting yourself is a goddamn struggle. I have so much more I could say about Gimlin (both good and bad), but I really appreciate that quote and this whole post. I am printing out the permission slip posthaste and am plastering it on my office wall.
I hope you’ll write about your impressions of that book – I’ve been eyeing it.
There needs to be more discussion about how hating yourself is a passive reaction versus the active struggle of self-acceptance. It might help all of us with the process a lot.
Dear Cree,
What do you think I’ve been doing for the last month plus?
Everyone feels this way sometimes, about fat and feminism and everything that makes you hate the world when you realize how fucked up people really are about it. Even the people who come off as passionate and strong.
Read Cute Overload. Take a break. You are fine.
-FJ
One thing I like about my life right now is it’s setup to avoid worrying about my body.
When I’m working, I’m focused on the work.
When I’m with my family and friends, we’re usually not talking diet/body talk at all – we talk about work, home, books, news, garden, and so on.
When I’m working out, I’m focused on what I can do. Sometimes I find myself fretting about what I can’t do, but usually the road to getting there is called “lift more heavy things” so I do that.
When I’m making love with my sweetie, I’m enjoying my body. That’s even better
Where problems do occur?
– A friend joins WW. I remind myself that it’s her decision, she is not trying to convert me, and I can suggest a new topic when I’m tired of the WW.
– Coworkers discussing how “fat” they are in the lunchroom. I can leave the room. Or ask their help with the crossword. Or introduce a new topic.
I also remind myself it’s much easier to deal with an occasional friend or coworker than trying to enforce the “I am not discussing weight with you, mom” boundary. One Christmas I spent over an hour feeling hunted – mom would come in and start on my weight, or her weight or a friend’s son’s diet. I would reply, “I don’t want to talk about it. Excuse me.” and leave the room. Repeat. Repeat.
Wonderful post, TR.
A lot of people who find FA talk about how much easier it was, how much happier they were, before they started trying to accept themselves.
For me, the biggest issue I’ve encountered on my FA journey is that I often have the feeling I’ve taken the “red pill” (like in Matrix), which has caused me to see the world as it REALLY is. I’ve become so sensitive I register every tiny and subliminal fat-hating remark or comment (for instance from my family or in the media); it’s come to the point that I sometimes can’t stomach turning on the TV or radio, just because fat-hating (also misogyny, for that matter) is so present and everybody accepts it because “fatties don’t deserve better/I’m a better person if I lose 2 pounds/it’s a matter of calories in-calories out”/etc. That’s when the feeling of fighting an uphill is the most present, because I feel that my “enemy” (i. e. society and the media) is too large and too strong for “little ole me”. That’s when I wish I’d taken the blue pill.
But in those moments I try to shut out the world around me by turning off TV/Internet and focusing on me, for example by meditating or distraction (painting/sketching). And I agree with FJ: Cute Overload really helps, too.
Thank you. You can’t know how much I needed to read that this week.
Also, “…blah blah blah Ginger”? HAHAHAAH!!!!!
I needed that too.
I’ve found that, since giving up some of my virulent self-hatred, I am much, much more worried about what other people think of me. In the past, I had the protection of knowing that, whatever horrible thing someone might think or say about me, I was thinking (and saying, for that matter) something much worse. Now that I don’t have that protection, I feel so much more vulnerable to external fat hate. I can’t just nod and think “yep,” I have to fight it or feel it.
O.C., I cannot tell you how glad I am somebody got that. *GRIN*
Elizabeth, that is a really interesting and important point.
Karin,
Oh, yeah. Fat-bashing ads is one of the BIG reasons I’ve developed TV Aversion.
TR,
Missed the “blah blah blah Ginger” at first. Sigh.
Maybe I’m getting old….
The irony. Burns like bad lye soap in the eyes, don’t it?
H*** of a post.
Littlem, isn’t that irony a kick in the teeth?
Living400lbs, I can’t watch most television without yelling at it. For all sorts of reasons. I am much happier without it.
RE: The Red pill
It’s hard to feel this way all the time, but I truly, truly think that we’re blessed to be fat. We’re blessed because our fat reveals so many people’s inner selves to us. We see the ugly people for who they are because of how they treat us. And we see the kind people for who they are because of how they treat us. Truly, when I see an example of this in my personal life I rub my tummy with both hands and give it a little squeeze of thanks.
Not to say that I’m happy happy happy all the time. Most of the time I’m kinda low-level pissed off. But still, thank you, fat, for giving me x-ray specs, even when, particularly when, they show the seamier side of life.
This is a really, really great post. I would add to the steps to take when you’re having this kind of day… when selecting those clothes that make you look and feel great, under no circumstances try something from the “small” end of your closet. Even if you really love it. You will end up either beating yourself up because it doesn’t fit right, or wearing it and being conscious of your body and how parts of you are pinched and uncomfortable all day long. I tend to do this when I already feel bad about myself… pick out something that I know is too small, that would be too small whether or not I ate too much pizza last night, and then get even more upset with myself when I confirm that it’s too tight. This is not a good way to go.
I also totally agree with you about boycotting mainstream comments sections. I get into these obsessive ruts where I read Broadsheet or NYT comments on fat-related articles for hours. I don’t “believe” the stuff in the comments when I’m done any more than I did to start with, but I still come out of it feeling like someone beat me up, and minus hours of my life where I could have been doing something else.
When I have a bad day I’m amused to find myself dissing on me not for being fat,but for not being Hawt Fat. Like want to be Fat Supermodel, or something. If only I could just have a little – lipo-readjustment! Skin tightening! Total body airbrushing! Whatever it is.
I also feel like I’ve had the red pill. I’ve seriously never wished to have the blue pill in FA – unlike in feminist theory, which sometimes I’m screaming BLUE PILL! BLUE PILL! about.
I suppose I feel more threatened by misogyny, whereas with fat hate, I …. feel like sing songing under my breath “I know something you don’t know!” and “Oh, y’all are going to be so EMBARRASSED!” and “Hah hah. Your jedi mind tricks are pathetic and weak.”
I imagine the difference is that I’ve managed to be clear with doctors, and it’s gone pretty well, and I’m not suffering income discrepancy due to size, so I’m not feeling threatened by fat hate by anything but my own buy-in.
I don’t buy in, so instead I get to feel smug. How attractive of me. *g*
But I do adhere fairly strenously to my Sanity Watchers program. I don’t even cheat for cough drops.
Thank you so much, TR. I needed this post like you wouldn’t believe.
Thank you for posting this. It actually made me a bit teary-eyed. A coworker of mine recently got WLS, and between his talking to practically everyone who walks by about it and how much weight he’s already lost, and the normal diet/weight loss talk that goes on every fricking day around here, I’m starting to lose it a little.
Thank you TR. I am really honored that you talked about my blog here.
I also thank you for the permission slip. I am going to print it off and post it near-by. Hell, I’m thinking about getting it tattooed on my forehead.
I have to stop looking at people in 2 deminsions and start seeing them as people. Just because someone is strong and fights for the cause doesn’t mean they are 100% perfect. Thank you for that reminder.
FJ: Thanks for the support. Cute Overload is amazing.
Karin: I definitely feel the red pill. Since I’ve joined the FA community, and started pursuing feminisim, the world is a completely different place. I was always one of those people who thought folks who saw so many slights in every day things were just overly sensitive. I have been scared, in a way, to become one of them because then I might really see the world for what it is and feel powerless to stop it. At least now I know that I’m not powerless, nor am I alone, and I have a right to see injustice and stand up for the right thing.
I really needed this today. Thank you.
Marianne, if I’d had that much vitriol directed at me from that Guardian rabble I’d sunk a damned sight more than 2 Martinis and I’m practically teetotal. (Did you notice, by the way, how many of them liked to talk about their alcohol intake? That’s the bloke equivalent of women bonding over their consumption of “naughty” foodstuffs. Far from slagging you off they’d probably have given you props for your elegant restraint).
I’ve never really thought of things from Cree’s perspective because I’ve been involved in FA for so many years and I’m in the UK where nobody’s even heard of it for the most part – and those who have, as admirably demonstrated on CIF, are outraged by the very notion. Yes, I was angry when the scales originally dropped from my eyes and I realised I had a right to be pissed off that the fashion industry was deliberately ignoring me, and it took a loooong time faking it till I made it on the self-love front, since there were few fat role models to inspire me. But the times were different then. We didn’t have the current obesity witch hunt to deal with however, more crucially, we didn’t have the internet.
On one hand the web is all kinds of fabulous in regard to spreading the word and bringing more of us together sooner rather than later. On the other hand, before I discovered the fatosphere, all I had to go on was the prejudice I’d experienced in my own day-to-day life. Nothing – and I mean nothing – prepared me for the level of hatred people were prepared to spew on the web, the sheer numbers of people spewing it, or the fact that some of the worst offenders identify as liberal types who are firmly against any other kind of bigotry you can name. The other thing about the net is that I have now become party to so many other people’s personal stories – the kind that ends up on First Do No Harm and I Was A Fat Kid; This Is My Story. And the pain and impotent rage just hits you again and again – well it hits me anyway. I keep rediscovering my anger and, while I think it’s important to do that now and again, in order to fight the good fight by whatever means I’m able to at present, it also wears me out emotionally.
“…and all I could hear in my head was the commenters crowing about how I obviously had no sense of control and I must do this way more often than I am admitting and blah blah blah Ginger.”
Oh, I have sooo had a day (or eight thousand) like that. I used to get shit on my (very early) blog about how, because I once admitted to enjoying a Terry’s Chocolate Orange, NO WONDER I WAS FAT! and therefore fat acceptance was a lie. And it made me a little bit hesitant about eating what I wanted (let alone writing about eating what I wanted) for a while.
The promise of self-acceptance is not the same as the promise of a new diet — that you’ll change your entire life in one fell swoop and suddenly be everything you ever wanted to be. Because that promise — whether it’s coming from the back of a diet paperback or anywhere else — is a bald-faced lie. Life never works like that; nothing worthwhile is easy.
I haven’t thought about this blog or any sort of FA or anti-FA or WLS sites and blogs in so long. I was just reading the news and something made me think, “I wonder what that rotund girl is up to these days? Could she still be at it?” And here you are, with a post about how tough it can be to STILL BE AT IT!!!
I let it all go quite a few months ago now and it has been great and a great relief. I don’t keep a blog anymore and I don’t read any. I devote my time to OTHER THINGS besides what I am eating or not eating or what size I am or what anybody thinks about the aforementioned subjects. I work out hard because I’ve come to love it. I eat mostly plain, simple foods whenever I feel like it or I don’t eat if I’m busy. And I do not concern myself with thoughts of what I might eat next. Food isn’t going anywhere.
I am in a comfortable place physically and mentally. My weight is the same as it’s been over two years now, my bloodwork and general health are excellent. My mind is occupied with endeavors that are positive for my life today and my future.
You take control when you stop other things from controlling you. Food, size, fat or not fat. What other people might think or not think. Making a whole career out of this???
Let it go.