I don’t talk about sex very much. My sex life isn’t really anyone’s business. But I think a lot of us have read the post over at Manolo for the Big Girl and I’ve been doing some thinking.

Which is, of course, always dangerous.

First of all, yes, absolutely to what Plumcake says. You can’t screw your way into good self-esteem and that goes for women (and men) of all sizes and sexual orientations.

But the situation she posits in the post….

If you’re me at 22, you end up in the back of a classic Coupe DeVille (black with kid grey interior) doing the sort of disreputable but impressively acrobatic activities that cause you to think “hmm, if I ever want to run for office I’ll probably need to get this guy killed” and when you get home you feel great because even though he’s not Prince Charming, he’s a guy! and he likes you! Not just for your brains or your personality, but for your body, too, and it’s so damn NICE.

Until it isn’t.

In Plumcake’s post, it is no longer nice because the guys doesn’t call. Or doesn’t want to be in a relationship. Or any number of other not nice things. And you know? Those things don’t feel good because they are a rejection.

But if the backstory behind this situation really IS what she supposes….

And even though you suspect he’s a player and not really your type, you sigh and remind yourself how long it’s been since a man has shown interest in you and made you feel really desirable

Well, you knew he wasn’t going to call when you slept with him in the first place.

Plumcake suggests a great book – I’ve flipped through it and it really is pretty cool.

But one thing we absolutely must also do is take responsibility for our choices and pleasures. If you really are just going out to enjoy having someone find you attractive, there is no harm in that. The exploration of our personal powers of attractiveness can be a heady thing. But if you are seeking one thing and expecting to find another – like a lifelong commitment from a player that you are using for self-validation – you are setting yourself up for disappointment and hurt.

I have friends at both ends of the body spectrum and all points in between. These friends also exist along a spectrum of sexual liberty/conservatism. So I’ve got friends that are 40-year-old virgins and friends that are Ethical Sluts and, again, friends that exist at all points in between. And the people who are happy with their sexual choices, no matter where they fall on the spectrum, are the ones who own their sexuality and reject the bullshit guilt that women are supposed to feel about using their own bodies to experience pleasure.

Let’s be honest with ourselves. If you want to go find a person to make you feel beautiful, go for it (in a safe and consensual fashion). Enjoy yourself. And acknowledge that you are making a certain choice and if true love doesn’t grow out of this encounter, well, that’s okay because that’s not what you were in the game for anyway. I’m not saying true love NEVER grows in those grounds – I fully admit that there is very little which is truly impossible in our world. But if that is your goal, be up front about it. Be honest with yourself.

Find something that makes you feel good in your body. I don’t care if that is walking outside or sex with a stranger at a swinger’s club. Find something that you do that centers you firmly in your body and causes you pleasure of some sort. Then go out and do it for the plain sake of experiencing that pleasure. Don’t load it up with all of the cultural expectations we supposed to feel – don’t tack on that feeling of virtuousness because walking is healthy, for example. Revel in the pleasure of your body doing something that feels good.

That is going to do more good for your self-esteem than waiting for a phone call that isn’t going to come.