The whole tomatoes incident happened on Friday night while the boyfriend and I were getting ready for a Saturday cookout. The tomatoes were for the hamburgers which we were grilling on our sort-of-repaired outdoor grill (the firepit side is functional but rather crumbly, the grill side is sound but the grill screen is held up by bricks). I was shocked, when it happened, for two reasons.
A) I was busy looking at tomatoes and not thinking about how my fat ass was walking around being all offensive to people.
B) This is the second time I have been solicited for weight loss in a store of some sort and, unlike the first time about five years ago, I was able to give a coherent and polite reason for declining the information.
Reason A illustrates the opposite of thin privilege. I am not allowed to forget I am fat. If I TRY to forget and just walk around like a normal person, someone from outside will remind me. Thin people (though this does happen to very thin people and people who, you know, deviate from the “norm” in just about any way) don’t have to think about the statement their body is making. Thin privilege is probably not the best term for it because it does work against so many different body types. In any event, this is why I believe just being a fat person walking around living a life is a political statement. People observe my body and what I do with it and judge me based on that. I have no control over them doing this – I can only control my presentation and try to subvert their interpretations.
Reason B is a pretty big deal. The first time this happened to me, I was shopping for swimsuits. Let me tell you, it’s unpleasant enough to be contemplating swimsuits when you’re already overly body conscious (as I was feeling at that time) without having a representative of the YMCA standing around asking you if you’d like to sign up for their summer membership drive. Thank you, YMCA lady, for implying that my body was not decent enough to appear on the beach. I wasn’t as self-confident then as I am now, so I wound up taking her pamphlet and giving her my “call for more information” number and then I had to fend off two or three phone calls because, really, I wasn’t prepared to join a gym at that time. I just wanted a swimsuit so I could sit on the beach and read a little bit while enjoying being outside.
The rampant belief that our bodies exist for other people to comment upon has not changed. But my ability and comfort levels when responding to it has and has in a positive fashion. It is not my job, it is not our job, to make nice and go along with whatever people are saying to us. It is not impolite to decline an offer of weight loss advice (or whatever a person might be peddling). We are, if we must be fat, supposed to be jovial and cooperative, but screw that. I will be jovial when I feel like being jovial (which is, honestly, most of the time) and cranky when I feel like being cranky and polite but firmly not interested when I am firmly not interested.
Jackie may call it childish, but I was genuinely offering that woman an unbruised tomato because, really, turning her down doesn’t mean we are suddenly enemies. I don’t have to buy into her scheme to be her tomato-shopping ally, which is how we started out. She was the childish one – when the conversation did not progress as she desired and expected, she played the “I can’t hear you” game.
And, frankly, that’s a better outcome then me having to deal with solicitation phone calls from the YMCA because I can’t say no.
The cookout, meanwhile, was fabulous. And the tomatoes were excellent.
15 Comments
I will never understand why people think they have the right to offer unsolicited advice or commentary about people’s physical appearance. I’ve got moderately bad hormonal acne and if I had a dollar for every time some random stranger sidled up to me to tell me about ProActiv in a stage whisper I’d be retired in the South of France right now.
it just occurred to me that reading your account of the tomato incident made me feel a similar sort of frustration and anger on your behalf as I feel when I’m harassed by a stranger in a sexual way. It’s a similar sort of exasperation at not being able to just BE in a place without worrying or wondering what reaction my body is going to provoke. It’s not exactly the same, of course, but when I read this I wanted to say – man, you know what sucks? Women in general don’t have the privilege of not thinking about what statement our bodies are making. Blech!
This is not discounting thin privilege at ALL, mind. Just a parallel I noted.
Sometimes my friends ask me why I become so tired after a social outing. I’m not an introvert yet I require a few hours of alone time after going shopping, to a party or dinner out. I also want to explain to them that I have all this other shit about which I’ve learned to be vigilant. You are so right, we are not allowed to forget that we are fat and even our fat doesn’t bother us it can be tiring having to continually deal with other people’s assumptions.
I loved your tomato story. I love that you didn’t just walk away from her. Way to go fat activist.
Jackie’s response is totally bizarre to me. It makes me wonder if she was the woman offering you the weight loss info and is feeling hurt that you turned her down. I just don’t see how you treated her like a child in any way. If anything, you were incredibly polite in a situation where a lot of people wouldn’t have been.
2 things: 1) You totally rock for dealing with the lady so calmly. I probably would have just stood there and sputtered until she left.
2) I really want tomatoes after reading this.
You rock, for your response to the tomato lady, and for all the work you have done on self-acceptance to get to where that response was possible.
I agree with KC. I’ve noticed that I have a lot more social energy in explicitly fat-friendly contexts than I have in ordinary-world contexts. I do NOT actually get approached all the time asking if I’ve tried a weight loss scheme, but I believe that’s because I maintain pretty defensive body language in ordinary-world contexts, and doing so takes work.
You are so much more polite in public than I am. The belief that my body is available to be commented on by random people is something that will set me off.
And mmmm fantastic grilling.
When reading this post, it totally hit me why size acceptance is so darn hard for me. You know, every now and then you get this voice in your head saying: it’s easier to “just comply” and try to get thin again. It’s the diet voice. I know dieting is unhealthy and at least counterproductive for me, I try to tell myself over and over again it’s the right thing to have stopped and work on accepting myself the way I am. But when confronted with comments or even just gazes (like you said exactly, comments and gazes along the lines to remind me I’m not allowed to forget I’m fat) and I’m not having a particularly good/confident/strong day, I’m at risk of being pulled back in.
So thanks for posting this, I’ll keep in mind I *do* have the right to just walk around like a normal person, because that’s what I am – that’s what we all are.
I would love to have the nerve to call people out in such situations. I can’t ever seem to at the time, but here’s my imaginary setup:
That wretched woman: “Would you be interested in weight loss..”
Me, looking confused:”No, why do you ask? Does it look like I need to lose weight? Are you, a complete stranger, walking up to me and calling me fat? What on earth could you hope to accomplish by doing that?”
Woman: Hopefully stumbling non-response.
Me: “That’s what I thought. You have a nice day, now. And here’s a nice tomato – you look like you could use some healthy food.”
Only in my dreams.
Kudos to you for dealing with that woman so nicely.
I no longer visit my grandmother because every time I went near her, she would start on about diet pills and weight loss methods. I was still writing to her and then she kept on about my Dad’s weight so I stopped writing to her as well. Mind you, my Dad had heart surgery last year and if he hadnt been carrying that extra weight to start with, he would have been horrendously underweight after the surgery because he faded away to skin and bones as it was. (And no, he hadnt had a heart attack, he had a leaky heart valve – nothing weight related!)
People say to my husband all the time that he has put on weight or that he is overweight. I am waiting for someone to say it when I am there so I can ask them “Are you always so f*cking rude?”
It just annoys the shit out of me that people think they have the right to comment on my weight (or anyone else’s weight). I dont go up to them and say “Oh your hair looks craptastic today” or “Geez you need to do something about that acne”. So what makes them think they can comment on my fat? Grrr….
my husband has just had an experience with weight commentary. My husband is quite thin. I always joked that people probably think that I steal his food (because I am teh fat, and I must eat EVERYthing). Since I became pregnant he has put on about 15 pounds. This is a normal response, as many men have an increase in estrogen during their partners’ pregnancies (to keep them around for the offspring). Two of his supervisors yesterday mentioned that he had put on weight, in a somewhat negative tone.
My husband is 6′2″ and less than 200 lbs.
I told him that his weight is none of their business if it doesn’t affect his work.
How bizarre that I would have to share size acceptance with someone who is not fat. (and not a fatphobe). (Not that I’m keeping it a secret, but hopefully I am making some sense.)
My point is, fat does not equal anyone gets to talk about it.
I made the mistake of thinking that it was the woman giving out the diet advice, who placed the unblemished tomato down and smiled. I would NEVER EVER, criticize the owner of this site, knowing that I would incur her wrath.
Jackie, I just don’t think you get it – you’re totally free to disagree with me or even insult me. But if you do it here, I’m going to stand up and talk back. People can change my mind, but those people had better have their facts straight and be ready to have an actual civilized dialogue about things. People who flat out insult me…. Had better be prepared to not be taken seriously.
OMG, TR, did you just tell someone not to insult you on your own blog? YOU HATE FREE SPEECH!
I know, right? I’m such a fascist!